#feeling like the only one in any of my groups that has been consistently drawing the past few years with little to no change

[alren-ki]

Hmm. That sure is brains. Don't like em but they sure are fucking exist

[sitp-recs]

Hi Liv,

Do you have any fics when an event acts as an “emotional catalyst” for either Harry or Draco? Like one them being hurt or in a near death situation that triggers some moment of clarity or confession of feelings? Thank you.

What a great ask, anon! Here are some fics that came to mind, not all of them involve danger or near death situations but I hope they work all the same :) enjoy!

the keys to your kingdom by thistle_verse (E, 7k)

It was nothing so elegant as fucking, the first time they came together. It was teeth just a little too sharp— against a collarbone, on the right-side curve of a jaw, drawing blood from the plushest part of a bottom lip. It was the doorframe digging into the curve his spine was making of its own volition: closer, harder, more.

Night Changes by Writcraft (E, 10k)

Draco and Harry have spent years dancing around one another, but Potter’s straight and married. Until one day he isn’t.

What Real Thing? By loveglowsinthedark (E, 12k)

They don’t cuddle, they don’t talk about their relationship (or lack thereof) and they certainly never fall asleep in each other’s arms.

White as Snow by bixgirl1 (E, 19k)

After a quick escape from danger, Harry and Draco find themselves trapped in a blizzard, a small cabin their only refuge from the storm. It's the perfect place to recover and regroup — and to have a long-overdue conversation or two.

Don't Stop It Before It Begins by mischieviolet (M, 19k)

“I don’t understand how this is of any concern to you, Malfoy,” Harry said, crossing his arms over his chest. Draco blinked at the use of his last name, something that Harry only used with him in jest these days. “I’m merely spending time with my Auror partner, who is from another country, and has no one here. I would do the same if it were you.”

The Partner, The Rival and The Very Big Case by oceaxe (E, 24k)

When Harry and Nott are paired up to go undercover as fake boyfriends, Draco is disappointed not to get the assignment. It's just professional jealousy that's making him feel so upset. Obviously. He's engaged to be married to Astoria, after all.

Time and Again by lauren3210 (E, 28k)

Draco has an important research assignment, and he needs Auror protection. Harry’s a little concerned, not only because he can’t even pronounce the places Draco’s dragging him off to, but because there’s the slightest chance he might do something stupid, like tell Draco all about that little crush he’s been harbouring for a while now...

(The Piece) I was Missing All Along by lauren3210 (E, 30k)

Draco and Harry have been flatmates and best friends for years, and Draco thinks life is just perfect that way. But when something comes along and threatens to take all that away, Draco has to decide what it is he really wants, and just how hard he's going to work to get it.

Potential Gravity by zeitgeistic (E, 32k)

Draco is not good at Cards Against Humanity, but Harry’s not good at being human, so it all works out. Except for the explosions. And Harry’s inability to live when Draco’s not around.

What Dreams May Come by firethesound (E, 36k)

If Harry had to get called into work on his day off, at least he was able to get Malfoy called in too.

Highly (in)Compatible by daisymondays (T, 36k)

Draco’s been shagging The Prat Who Lived on and off for a few months when his soul mark starts to change. Draco’s had to accept a lot of adjustments to his life, but accepting that Harry Potter could be his soulmate is one step too far. It can’t be true? Can it?

Merlin Works in Mysterious Ways by lordhellebore (M, 82k)

When Harry is forced to form a Blood Bond with Draco Malfoy under threat of death, he thinks his future will consist of a cold home and sexual frustration. But when a group of left-over Death Eaters decides to stir trouble, their lives change completely – and it takes them both some years to figure out whether it’s for better or for worse.

[total-drama-brainrot]

TD World Tour Alenoah AU... Where Noah is immune to Alejandro's fake charm... Instead, Noah gets charmed by the true Alejandro's quirks and dorky interests like dinosaurs and puppets... How would Alejandro feel about Noah only liking Alejandro, when Alejandro is being himself?... Especially since Alejandro's family shuns him for being himself? 🦕🦖🦕

Now you're speaking my language.

One of the most common running themes in all/near enough all Alenoah central AUs is having Noah be the first person to see past Alejandro's persona and actually appreciate the person he is, or at the very least prefer the real Alejandro to his mask of perfection. It's one of the draws of the ship itself; the idea that Noah, being the blunt person that he is, can and will wage a war of attrition against the walls Alejandro has built up around himself- not just to keep others out, but also to repress the more authentic aspects of himself to himself- in order to reveal the person beneath.

I touched on this a little bit in a previous post concerning this AU, but Alejandro and Noah both see glimpses of the other that they try so valiantly to hide- in Noah's case, Alejandro sees hints of the scheming mindset he's pretty much supressed under layers of apathy and sloth (as Noah's laziness is one of his biggest character foils, alongside his snarky attitude), and in Alejandro's case he reveals tid bits of information about the Real Alejandro, not the persona he's usually portraying himself as, which is enough to humanise him in Noah's eyes.

They both become People Of Interest in each other's eyes, because they're both puzzles to be solved. Alejandro's curious and competitive to a fault so he'd dedicate himself to unravelling the layers behind Noah's stony exterior, as he'd see Noah's continued distance as a challenge. That's a given. But the topic at hand here is Noah's interest in Alejandro.

Because Noah's not exactly competitive, so why would he be so interested in unveiling the real Alejandro? That's simple; Noah values authenticity. Look at his friendship group, it consists of people who are unapologetically themselves. Noah is also unapologetically himself, in all of his sarcastic glory. So of course he's see flickers of the real, authentic Alejandro and his natural inquisitiveness would be piqued- a novelty for him, as Noah's staunch apathy generally tends to override any semblance of curiosity.

So Noah goes out of his way to make notes of the small interests Alejandro offhandedly mentions at one point or another, like palaeontology or puppetry or even his fifteen-step skincare routine- things that Alejandro shows genuine excitement or passion over that shines through the cracks of his perfect persona. He sees the dorky giddiness Alejandro experiences when Noah lets him ramble on about how Jurassic Park was incredibly inaccurate from a scientific standpoint but monumental for people's interest in palaeontology (or something along those lines, I don't know I'm not a dinosaur nerd) and suddenly the annoyingly flirtatious faker he's spent the better half of his time on the jet is A Whole Ass Person with interests and passions and a sense of depth he's been so bereft of until now. Suddenly Alejandro's more than just the antagonist of the show Noah's working on, he's an interesting person that the bookworm finds himself wanting to know more about. And, perhaps, he finds himself growing genuinely fond of the person behind the mask.

And he uses those notes to prompt Alejandro into sharing more of himself, the real authentic Alejandro, in the privacy of their interactions.

At first, Alejandro's fairly oblivious to what Noah's doing, since he's so caught up in his own enjoyment of Noah's company plans to essentially do the same to Noah that he barely notices his own tricks being used against him.

Of course, he's also just elated at being able to infodump to someone who isn't outright penalising him for doing so; not that I think Alejandro is even aware that what he's doing is infodumping, nor the fact that he's so obviously autistic, because his family is a particular brand of awful that would never let him get a proper diagnoses and in all likelihood forced him to mask/supress his symptoms.

It isn't until Alejandro realises that he's shared a lot of information about himself that he (as a Burromuerto) is expected to keep close to his chest, and he sees the glimmers of satisfaction in Noah's intelligent eyes, that the archvillain catches on to the fact that he's been played. But the thing that really catches him off-guard isn't the trickery, it's the fact that Noah's done nothing with the uncharacteristic displays of vulnerability.

Alejandro can't understand why Noah hasn't taken advantage of his "weakness" yet. Inevitably leading to him confronting the assistant, as Alejandro isn't the type to "let sleeping dogs lie" so to speak, and he's still very much so in the one-track mindset of winning the competition- thus he assumes that any show of vulnerability can and will lead to his untimely elimination. But when he practically demands that Noah reveal what he's been planning, why he's been sneakily collecting information on him, all Noah can do is shrug his shoulders and say;

"I guess I just like seeing the real you. That's all."

And Alejandro doesn't know how to respond to that. No one's ever wanted the real him, he's always had to play the role of the perfect son, the perfect brother. He doesn't understand.

And like most people when they're faced with a foreign concept they have no basis of behaviour for, he lashes out.

[a-s-levynn]

How i draw hands

under the cut, sorry for the wait, love you all

OKAY so it has been a while i did one of these. I have a vague memory of @ghost-raven-7 you asking for hands.

I also have a foggy memory of @takemetoasgard you mentioning mouths, so if you want, i could do one for that as well? I'm kinda enjoying doing these. In all fairness, these also help me to figure out how i do stuff actually.

So HANDS

Mind you, i am still neither a proper artist not particularly good at what i'm doing. It is just what i'm using or looking out for currently.

Also there is a lot of text, sorry about that.

As always references references references. With hands it is nice, because you have ready made reference package a ttached to your body. But you still gotta find what helps you understand how it works in 3D.

As always i have to preface, that if you know anatomically how your hand works and looks will help. I mean if you know where are the larger muscle groups or the tendons, etc. We all love cool lines on a back of a hand drawing, but it is more satisfying to look at if the line indicating the tendon is actually at the correct place. So i can only recommend to look at at least some anatomy illustrations.

But beyond that, what helped me a lot, was to simplify the hand to 2D shapes and figure it out from there. But how i do that?

Take pictures. It makes it so much easier, than just simply holding my hand in a certain position. I can do that as well, but if i take a picture it usully helps more with the "understand it in 2D" thing.

I segment it roughly like this, but others do it differently. It doesn't really matter as long as you are consistent with it, and you understand why you put a segment where you did.

Usually the segment edges are at joint lines of your hand. For one, because the natural lines of the hand can guide it. Secondly, joints are the movement points. It is where the parts of the hand will bend.

And simplifying a pose and trying to make it work on paper, at least for me, is much easier when i moving 2D panes around the space, instead of a complex 3D object. At least this is how i understand it. But how that works in practicality?

Let's have an other picture of my hand. Excuse the quality. Also the lack of ST bracelets, but i need you to kinda see the lines of my otherwise amorph upper appendage.

So using the same blocking, this is roughly how the segments go. This is a tricky one, because of the the bending pinky and the general angle of the hand. But most prominently, the yellow pane folds in on itself, as if you are curling one corner of a piece of paper in front of itself.

You may notice that the blocking's edges are not as straight anymore, more curved. It is because of the perspective. If you want, you can think of your hand as a series of cylinders or tubes attached to each other. If you are not looking at it dead on, but from an angle, it is going to look curved.

Imagine a roll of toilet paper with a straight line running across it horizontally. From a very specific angle, it looks like a rectangle with a line. From any other perspective, you see that it is actually curved, amd the line won't be straight anymore. Also the top or bottom of it going to have a circe and all that. No more 90° angles. Same goes for the hand.

But with your hand, it is helped by the fact that your hand comes with build in lines, to guide you, and help you sell the 3D feel.

So have the above photo as a reference and do a step by step. Excuse me for not scanning or making a video, i am not on top of my game right now, but i'm trying.

Also watch me throw on my cord bracelet on there, to sell the illusion of curviture even further. I am not above cheap tricks to make it more believeable.

Of course if you throw some shading at it, it is going to further the illusion of the curves and 3D nature of a hand. It helps if you pick a proper lightsource not like me, but still. In general, if you shade the recesses and creases darker, then you can't miss too hard.

These are just the basics, you can refine or stylize it from here as much as you feel like it really.

Also, nails. I don't really like them, for me it messes up my anatomy more than i'd like to admit it, because i am way too lazy with them, but i know people who actually find adding them super helpful. So experiment!

And i think that's it for hands? If there is anything i should add, or needs more clrification on, please let me know and i'll either edit this, or add it in a reblog. And again, i apologize for taking this long.

[candycorncremator]

Unfortunately lower visual quality than I wanted be because Tumblr only allows 10 images so I smushed them into three canvases instead of two post. Anyway beta trolls Headcanon and some thoughts below the cut.

Aradia

Aradia is the design I probably have the most experience drawing of the beta trolls purely because of how many zines I’ve drawn her in the last year. I like thinking of her hair similar to Pinkie Pies’ in g4 of mlp, where it’s very curly bouncy in her alive and godtiered forms but straightens out more when she’s ghosting up the place and in Aradia-bot form. I didn’t realize until a recent zine I had been drawing her horns ways too low for comic accuracy but I am a creature of habit so I keep drawing them like that.

Tavros

I’ve grown to love this kid because of my recent reread but I do not like drawing them. Between the Mohawk and the long, straight horns, I don’t care to draw their most important traits so he unfortunately only gets drawn in these group drawings. As for the one ear being pierced, it’s kinda a reference to cow tags but also I think it just fits them.

Sollux

Sollux a pretty easy character to design. I just have to imagine a greasy nerd kid growing up too fast for him to put on weight, add his troll bits and voila. The snake bites are definitely a hold over from the humanstuck I made for him last year but I think it just kinda add to his whole vibe. The undershirt comes from someone who also sits in a hot-ass room most of my days and will wears a second layer so leaving the room won’t feel like stepping out into a frozen wasteland.

Karkat

Karkat for me has always been short and stout guy. Other than that most of his facial features are taken from me, being someone who also over exaggerates their faces and nearly always is squinting a little.

Nepeta

Between all my designs of Nepeta the only thing that ever changes with any consistency is her hair. Like giving her cleft lip scar because I gave it to my fan-descendent of her and it’s cute.

Kanaya

Like two months ago I saw a post on here saying give that girl a nose (in reference to Kanaya) and it was the single most true HC I have ever seen. I also like completely throw out any references I have of her when I draw her hair because I think she should have 1930’s waves and curls. I typically only have to draw the super simple eyes so the only thing I had to change was giving her actual eyes.

Terezi

Got pretty comic accurate but probably would erase some of the chin to imply she’s fat a little better if I wasn’t doing this more rigid style.

Vriska

Also pretty comic accurate with the exception of the snake bites which is probably because I don’t draw her a lot and I don’t think about her much enough looks wise to have any specific head canons.

Equius

Goodness his hair gave me a struggle, kept on looking like a balding metal head until I added the pushed back stuff. Also returned back to drawing pseudo animal ears by giving him horse ears only angle to better fit a humanoid head.

Gamzee

I hate their make-up but every thing else about drawing them is a dream; goat ears, not straight hair, simple horns, silly little guy. What more could I ask for.

Eridan

And I’m almost done but unfortunately this doofus is next and requires the most detailed bust even in canon. Due to drawing them in this year’s 413 countdown I know how I like styling their hair and fins so I basically just chop the hair up since this is suppose to be during comic hcs and then follow their canon and Pesterquest designs with a few added features and boom. I was drawing everyone with the dark grey lips but I forgot for Eridan so I’ll just say they use concealer on their lips.

Feferi

Yippee! Back to ignoring canon and just giving her the biggest eyes on account of her glasses and cute piercings. I originally based her fins off of lion fish fins but they’re definitely more based off of betta ventral fin now.

[rainybraindays]

Saying this as someone who was bullied, and who is fat, but a corner of this fandoms unwillingness to give Cressida any sympathy while stanning Penelope is weird to me.

Cressida and Penelope are incredibly similar. Their mothers are both abusive women who look down on those around them. They both enjoy gossip, they both have a mean streak, and they're both in similar positions this season.

But for some reason Penelope is forgivable but Cressida isn't?

People often talk of Portias cruelty (though they often downplay it but thats a different post) and how its why Penelope does a lot of what she does, but its the same with Cressida.

As early as s1 we see Cressidas mother brushing her off, she says to violet "My Cressida may have the fortune, but Daphne has the face." And if I remember correctly Cressida is beside her as she says this. Her mother casually insults her, in public to a rather influential person, with no care for her daughters feelings. In s3 its even more blatant with how the moment Cressida voices how she's not interested in Debling her mother starts in on how shes 3 seasons in an unmarried, how shes on the road to spinsterdom. She says "you may find me cruel" and then guilts her with how her father is cutting their allowance to justify it. Cressida has no siblings so Araminta has made every other girl in the ton her competition to a far greater degree than other girls, because while they all seem to have friend groups, Cressida doesn't consistently have the same friends. How is she able to keep a friend when the one time one shows up to see her, shes told shes not to be seen with her anymore?

Eloise is the first true friend shes had in years, and its clear through their interactions that while Cressida can be cruel, its not all she is. The cruelty is a shield, much like Whistledown is for Penelope. The main difference is that while Cressidas cruelty is open and known, Penelope is hiding the worst parts of herself. Part of this is because while both Araminta and Portia are open in their cruelty to their daughters, the former is overbearing while the later is neglectful.

While Penelope has been left alone to try and find a husband, given up on before her presentation, Cressida is constantly thrown at everyman who seems to be looking for a wife. Theres no attempt to have her actually form a connection, which I'd argue is part of why her courtships never leave the early stages. She puts on an act for them, likely at her mothers insistence, much like Portia insists Penelope play dumb for Debling.

People also keep asking "why isn't Cressida considered a spinster?" When she very nearly is? She says it herself, her mother says it, this is her last year to really have a chance. The only reason she wouldn't become an actual spinster is because th Cowpers have connections the Featheringtons don't, and are not against marrying her off to the first old friend of her father's who is willing.

Cressida has done everything she can to draw attention to herself, her hair, her clothes, they scream "look at me!" She has put on mask after mask to try and be the woman whichever man she may be speaking to may want, and has failed everytime. She is one of, if not the last, of the girls in her debut year who has yet to get engaged, or even close to an engagement, and she is scared. Anything she does in part 2, I expect because at this point she has three (known) failed courtship attempts, and the threat of a man the age of her father as a husband hanging over her head.

Cressidas been a bully, thats true, but shes also being abused. If you can justify Penelope as Whistledown because shes bullied and shes abused, but can't even find sympathy for Cressida you should maybe think about why ones negatives are okay, but the others aren't.

[got-into-worm-by-mistake]

Gestation 1.3 Live Reactions

(This is me, writing reactions as I read, because why the fuck not. They're not complete, mature thoughts taken after I sit back and evaluate what I've read. Consider them as such)

My training schedule consisted of running every morning and every other afternoon.  In the process, I had picked up a pretty good knowledge of the east side of the city.  Growing up in Brockton Bay, my parents had told me stuff like “stick to the Boardwalk”.  Even on my runs, I had scrupulously stayed on the Boardwalk and avoided the bad part of town.  Now it was Sunday night and I was in costume and breaking the rules.

Running off the boardwalk in the middle of the night in costume looking for crime to fight feels like the least of your rulebreaking, Taylor.

Just moving from one block to the next, you could see the change in the area.  As I made my way into the Docks, I could see the quality of my surroundings decline steeply.  There were enough warehouses and apartments in the area for even the most destitute to find shelter, so the only people on the streets were unconscious drunks, whores and gang members.  I steered clear of any and all people I saw and ventured further into the area.

I always love it in stories where the setting becomes a character, and from what I hear, that's definitely going to be the case for the city of Brockton Bay.

 Anyone paying attention to the local cockroach population might think something was up,

That, I think, would be a list that would include exactly zero people at this point. Even exterminators wouldn't be 'paying attention' to the cockroach population, per se.

I knew who these guys were.  They were members from the local gang that left the tags ‘Azn Bad Boys’, ABB for short, all over the East end of the city.  More than a few went to my school.  As far as the criminal element in Brockton Bay went, they weren’t small potatoes.  While the typical gang members were just Koreans, Japanese, Vietnamese and Chinese forcibly recruited from Brockton Bay’s high schools and lower class neighborhoods, the gang was led by a couple of people with powers.  Gangs didn’t tend to be that racially inclusive as far as who joined, so it said something that their leader had the ability to draw in members from so many different nationalities and keep them in line.

Ah yes, the ABB. One of the parts of Worm that I gather ages poorly, and may not have been all that well thought out. But that's hardly surprising, nor a black mark against Wildbow or Worm.

As for it being so ethnically diverse, I'd say that has as much to do with how everyone is grouped together under the 'Asian' heading here in the US, rather than Lung being particularly open-minded. Though I could be wrong.

He went by ‘Lung’, had successfully gone toe to toe with whole teams of heroes and had managed to keep himself out of jail, as evidenced by his presence here.  As for his powers, I only knew what I could scrounge up online, and there were no guarantees there.  I mean, for all I knew, he could have misled people about what his powers did, he could have a power he was keeping up his sleeve for an emergency, or he could even have a very subtle power that people couldn’t see at work.

Another cool choice, especially given what I gather is Taylor's penchant for Puzzle-boss wins later on, as it were. Also one of the reasons why information really is so vitally useful in Worm, and how Taylor's powers are key for that.

Most conventional superhero verses I'm familiar with definitely lend themselves more to an approach where a supervillain or superhero's powerset is largely established - obviously DC and Marvel can't avoid that, but even other superhero media seems to have that too.

But the internet is full of lies, mistakes and misrepresentations. Really makes you wonder what the in-universe wikipedia entry for Superman is like tho.

I decided to move away from where I was and find a better vantage point to monitor their conversation, which seemed like a good compromise between my curiosity and my self preservation. 

Very fair. Going against the fire-breathing armored dude who can eventually become a dragon does seem hazardous to one's health.

They were going to kill kids?

And so the Wormverse turns. Had she not heard the word 'Children', or had Lung used a different word, or just said 'The Undersiders' or whatever...

1.3 doesn't really seem to have a whole lot going on honestly but it isn't nothing, and sometimes you just need a bit of a bridging chapter.

[taralen]

Announcement: SOCIAL MEDIA AND FANDOM HIATUS

I've been active on here and X/Twitter for a few months now, interacting with the Deltarune fandom, particularly the Spamton sub-fandom. This has brought me into a world I never dreamed of before, the sense of being part of a community.

Never in my entire life have I felt part of any community. During this time period, I've made more friends than I have in over a decade. I was so wary of meeting new people and letting them into my life, but now I don't feel as scared anymore. I even discovered what it feels like to fall in love with someone real.

That said, I am exhausted. I've emotionally and mentally exhausted myself trying to be there for so many people, to be the person I failed to be ten years ago when everyone I knew dropped me into a dumpster and insisted, "You don't know how to be human."

I've reached my limit. I can't do this anymore. People are assuming too much of me.

Before opening myself up to this fandom, I never wanted to closely associate with anyone who didn't have a single original piece of work tied to their name. I considered anything fandom-related a total waste of time, and I never saw any value in such communities... Until I finally let myself become part of one. My childhood friend recommended I start being more open by drawing my favorite character, Spamton.

I took his advice... Obviously. I felt like, for the first time, I was healing...

But these new connections brought new problems I'm still not used to handling. I had isolated myself for so long, consistently keeping in contact with only three people for almost a decade since all the people in my past friendship group betrayed me. I realized a fatal flaw in my character, and it's that I keep trying to be strong for so many people that I've become neglectful of myself...

I genuinely... Have no idea who I am anymore. I've lost touch with myself since I got so excited about being part of this community. I focused so much only on being there for my new friends that I had to stop and think, "Wait... Does anyone actually know me outside of all this...?"

Does anyone know who I am... Outside this fandom? Do they care?

I developed acute mono/autophobia, and it took me until recently to discover why: because this happiness is so overwhelmingly beautiful to me that the thought of losing it all is driving me to deeper madness. This thought, of course, is as irrational as any phobia is... And I had to ask myself, "Did I let myself become too open and vulnerable? Were the walls I had before preferable to this?"

And so... I am retreating to those walls for now. I am going on a hiatus. I want to focus on my personal projects that are entirely my ideas and settings, and I am uncomfortable sharing 99% of them except among trusted friends. I have an original novel I already finished about 25% of the first draft of, and I took a pause on it because of my involvement in this fandom. It's time I stop and allow myself to reconnect with myself... To the things that matter most to me.

I am not leaving—absolutely not—but I am broken. I realized that despite all the times I've been strong for other people, I can't count on anyone to be there for me at my absolute lowest. I've been overexerting myself to be strong for others so much that I'm doing it at my own expense, and I feel like I'm sinking into a tar pit of agony.

This little trash puppet needs to feel the comfort of er... my trash. I'm sorry. I will be gone for at least a week. I'm still available to friends on Discord, but that's the only place I'll be.

I'm overloaded and overused. I'm sorry... I have about half a dozen commissions to finish anyway.

My inbox is still open, so if anyone wants to have fun with that and shoot me an e-mail, then feel free to. Otherwise...

[toydrill]

ULTIMATE CBS MASTERPOST

(or, a general hub to answer a few questions that my followers who are here for other things that are not my passion projects might be curious about)

recently i've been really pushing hard into working on this revival project, so i thought it would be helpful to have a nice big post with links to all of my stuff inside it!

"what is care bear stars?"

care bear stars was a 2008-2009 fanime created, drawn, and animated by joshua click (known at the time as jcstars5). here's a general synopsis:

Care Bear Stars follows the story of Terry Rogers, who meets a magical anthropomorphic bear named True Heart Bear. She gives him a magical talisman, and with it, he transforms into Tender Heart Bear. Along with the other Care Bear Stars, they work to protect good feelings and love among humankind and fight the evil Professor Coldheart, alongside a rogues gallery of otherworldly foes.

for those who don't know exactly what a fanime is and what it entails, here's a good definition from TVtropes:

Fanime (a portmanteau of “fan” and “anime”) is a type of Web Animation typically created by young amateur artists that originated on YouTube around 2006, a year after the site's launch. ... In the past, many fanime were animesque cartoons based on pre-existing anime, especially Tokyo Mew Mew and other Magical Girl shows. Tracing was also common. Instead of using animation software, creators would usually draw frames in MS Paint or Photoshop and composite them in Windows Movie Maker. ... As fanime was predominately created by very young artists inexperienced in animation in the beginning, it gained a reputation for being bad. ... Following the mainstream popularity of Nyan~ Neko Sugar Girls, this type of fanime dominated the community for a long time, but creators attempting to create genuine shows still remain and the community has grown increasingly talented and creative throughout the years.

care bear stars was received pretty well for its time for fanime, receiving a decent amount of fanwork and discussions on websites like deviantArt. though it was far from the only fanime at the time with its premise, its generally considered one of the pillars of first generation fanime alongside series like elemental goddess, and stood out for having full TV length episodes (something that was unheard of at the time for fanime).

the project was cancelled in 2009 after the creator received a cease & desist letter from then (now defunct) owners of the care bear stars franchise, cookie jar group.

for a more in depth write up of my knowledge of CBS during its active period, joshua click's thoughts looking back on the series in adulthood, and where many of the VOs in the project are now, you can check out this document i've worked on and off on for 8 years

"why do you gaf?"

autism

i met some really great friends from the fanime community and now i've imprinted on this show in my mind more than any fanime that i'd ever watched

i love care bears

autism again

as a testament to said autism: here's a collection of all the care bears stars fanart i've ever found

"okay so what is care bear stars r?"

exactly what it sounds like. it's just a 1-to-1 remake of the premise, characters, etc with what i could find of the original project + what i would have done if it were me

for an in-depth (but WIP) write up of my revival, CARE BEAR STARS R, you can click here

you can also find all of my art & write-ups here , and all of my friends' fanart here , and all of the references for them here

other resources

my twitter thread that i consistently update

my tumblr tag for posting about care bear stars

the original series in chronological (series) order

thank you so much for reading!

[rallamajoop]

Lab Photos and Documents from Resident Evils 7 & 8

Near the end of both Resis 7 and 8, the player character gets to explore a laboratory full of significant documents and interesting photos, textured and angled such that it’s very hard to get a good screencap. So here’s a huge dump of all the relevant image assets I could find to extract from both game files (plus some rambling about everything that got recycled between them, because spot-the-reused-asset is still my favourite game right now).

Photos from Lucas' lab in Resident Evil 7

The photo of Mia with Eveline in front of the tanker can be found at the end of the Mia video tape, though it also shows up again in Lucas' other lab in the Not A Hero DLC. That DLC also throws in a few new photos of Lucas' creations.

And moving on a game...

Photos from Miranda's Lab in Resident Evil 8

(Apologies for the long post above the cut, but tumblr doesn't seem to let you tile images below a 'Read more', unfortunately.)

What’s interesting is that most do seem to be legitimate photos of the characters’ real-life face models, not just renders of their 3D game models. Whether the human models themselves posed for these or whether their likeness was simply photoshopped onto scenes composed without them I haven’t been able to find out (though the latter seems more likely to me, given that most face models don't even seem to have known what character their likeness would be used for). Either way, there’s an eerie realism to these that doesn’t occur in many other parts of the game, and it’s effective in its own uncanny way.

Since both games refer to the same research at the same lab, it's probably reasonable that some of RE8 photos are just slightly-adjusted copies of those from RE7 ‒ those two shots of Eveline in the lab most obviously. And we're probably just supposed to politely ignore how obviously Miranda's just been selectively edited into that original pic of Eveline with the scientists. *cough*

In fact, if you look closely, even that big group photo of Eveline with the research team and transport operatives has actually patched in both Mia and Eveline from that earlier photo of them standing in front of the tanker. In fact, Alan (Mia's partner in RE7) isn't even from a photo at all: that's a drawing from a piece concept art (no wonder they've got him standing at the back!) As a minor role who appeared in no photos in RE7, I assume they just didn't have any good shots of his face model available.

I'm a little suspicious even Miranda's face in the group shot has been edited in from one of her other photos, but the match isn't quite perfect enough for me to be sure.

Even that photo of the needle going into the egg and the developing foetus isn't new: you can see the same needle shot in some of the RE7 documents, and even the foetus development series gets an angled scan-over in the RE7 ending sequence.

Mind you, some of those "photos of Eveline" may actually not be Eveline herself ‒ text on them in the lab itself suggests they're photos of other members of the E-series, sacrificed during necrotoxin tests. Which makes it rather odd that the figure in the second photo is an adult man who looks nothing like Eveline, so I can only assume some wires got crossed somewhere in the dev team.

(Also odd: the suggestion that there were multiple E-series subjects, some of whom were put down for experimental purposes, even though Eveline herself is labeled E-001. But let's not pretend RE lore has ever been super-consistent at the best of times.)

RE8's "lab photos" also include a couple of shots of a man in snow gear who's apparently Spencer of Umbrella-fame, presumably for all those fans who don't feel it's a proper Resident Evil game if there's not an Umbrella in it somewhere. They're both about as rough as that one piece of concept art of Alan, so I'm guessing whoever created them was about as invested in that topic as I am.

Somewhat more interesting to me are the two shots of Miranda with babies. The second obvious Eveline, but the first is presumably of Miranda with Eva, way back in 1920 or so ‒ demonstrating nothing so much much as that in a full 100 years, Miranda hasn't even slightly changed how she does her eyebrows. /s

[catwalkvivi]

well hey, since hardly anyone's looking at this corner of the website anyway I might as well take the opportunity to vent (it's annoying to do it on twitter with the character cap)

Man, social media is hard.

I see so many people posting regular content consistently for years and years without even seemingly breaking a sweat, while it's always been so difficult for me... Calculating engagement, deciding the best times to post, or, hell, even just sharing what they think/feel/made/fucking ate that day just seems, like, so easy and second nature for pretty much everyone around me. It's genuinely incredible to me that somebody can share what they've learned about idk shitty impractical tanks made in WW1 on this website and make it such an interesting read that hundreds of people engage with it!

But I've tried keeping social media accounts for art and stuff so many times now, on here, on Instagram, on Artstation, on Xitter, and eventually it just- kinda- fades away, it just feels so exhausting to keep track of all the things necessary to Chase the Algorhythm™ if you wanna have any relevancy. Is it a charisma thing??? Where do I grind to get a stat boost on my Cha???

I'd love to say it doesn't matter to me, since I've been drawing shit for myself for years now, but unfortunately artists do need social media presence if they wanna get work. Not to mention, well, I wanna reach people with the stuff I do! I want people to react to what I made, to say what they liked about it, or how it made them feel, and then when I post something I worked on for hours only to get, like, almost zero visibility? idk, man, it just kinda hurts. It's probably selfish and immature for me to say it, I know that it takes time and effort to build an audience and all that, but damn I get happy when people show me that something I've made has affected them positively. I like the connection, I like the conversations, I like meeting people who enjoy the same nerdy trash that I do!

(I was very fortunate to have an art post of mine reach a lot of notes here years ago, which was amazing, but it's such a rare thing)

God, and, like, there's all these weird unspoken rules about interacting on social media too.

The other day a friend of mine came up to our friend group and was like "oh my god this girl liked my stories on instagram it means something does she like me" and I was SO confused and then they were like "well, when somebody not on your friends list likes your stories, it means they're interested in you"

Then some time later another friend was telling me that somebody stopped liking her posts and unfriended her and how that is a horrible offense and my fucking brain hurt, like- okay I get the unfriend part kinda but there could be a hundred reasons for it??? it's not like you have a deep personal connection to all 300 friends you have on your account???

Then I see so many people out there simply sharing something they think or did only to have some rando twist what they said and come at them like they're the shittiest person on the planet that deserves everything bad in life actually (except the ones that are willingly spouting/promoting hateful shit to begin with. Those can rot in hell and I shall not mourn their demise)

Like??? It might be the Power of Autism™ in me but it always feels like I'm one step away from either making a fool of myself or offending twenty different people or both. It's both the fear of having hundreds of thousands of eyes on me and the fear of having none at all. And that makes it really difficult to share anything on the internet for me. I already have to deal with my entire existence as a trans woman making some cunts around the world mad, it sucks that I have to risk it in places where I just wanna post dumb drawings and talk about dumb things that make me happy with others.

I dunno. Word vomit I guess. Social media is hard. Interacting with humans is hard. Sharing stuff is hard. I prefer Pokémon

[nervarts]

Page 62

I don't think I've ever announced officially (aside from putting it on profile) that I was working on a graphic novel. Well ladies and gentlemen, this is one of the newer pages. I will say it's been ages since I have published an update about the graphic novel. I've been working on it since August 2019. The reason why it is taking me so long is because 2020 killed my muse for it. I got deeply depressed and instead of making pages on a daily basis like I used to, I just drew them sporadically, when I had the inspiration.

Likewise, I had problems drawing more complex scenes like this one (making that crowd was NOT easy.) So I decided to practice a little more on things like drawing large groups of people and perspective. I also realized that as time passed, I made a few mistakes. Like how the kimono is meant to go from left to right instead of right to left 🤦🏽‍♀️ (apparently only dead people wear it that way), among other inconsistencies. I thought I needed to redo the whole thing. Because while the story is vague historically (it takes place between 12th-14th century Japan— just between the late Heian-early Kamakura period), I didn't want to make too many deviations to the point that it becomes insulting to a culture and history that I love. That's the least I want to do. But drawing ALL 62 pages took me forever, so doing them again would undo five years of progress. I might end up redrawing some anyways, but who knows? I want to finish it first, then go through the "editing" process.

I highly doubt the rest of the pages will take me 5 extra years. I want to continue this novel, as it is personal for me. It has been a difficult journey doing this, but I don't want to give up on it. So I will try to draw more pages on a fairly consistent level. I was even thinking of changing the title of the graphic novel. It's called, "Flowers Chasing Horizon". But as you can tell from the scene... it's not going to be a flowery story. I made the title because I love flowers and the story is about two vagabonds of sorts who are escaping from their ghosts, literally and figuratively. Trying to find a place where they can achieve peace. The problem is, I don't know what I should change it to. I'm bad at titles.

I apologize that I haven't given any art for over a month, but this is the only artwork I finished recently. I still have more that I am yet to do, but they are big.

This was done with Micron pens, pencil, and for this graphic novel, the color red plays an important role. I would give context for this piece, but I feel like I would ruin the what's going on. Plus, I want to keep it a surprise too.

☆*: .｡. .｡.:*☆

Support me on Ko-fi:

[lycorid]

Sometimes venturing onto the For You side of Twitter sparks joy.

Based take. Shoujo and Josei are fucking top notch, both in characters and art style (how can you not think they’re beautiful?)

“Ruined the JJK and MHA fandoms” is WILD. I avoid fandoms for the most part (except perusing tumblr for the occasional fucking thesis women write about character motivations i love you women <3) because they usually suck. Seriously, I kept up with OPM for a bit because it was entertaining but holy shit the subreddit (very much full of men) is literally just… sexy woman. More sexy woman. Memes about artist constantly drawing sexy woman. Memes. Occasional power scaling arguments. Low quality page colorings of the exact same page. There is NOTHING. How the hell can women ruin the fandom when the fandom IS the women?!

It’s the women creating in depth analyses on characters; it’s the women writing fanfiction, creating doujinshis; it’s the women creating fandom centered accounts; it’s the women buying every new merch piece that comes out AND giving free advertising by posting about it online. And then men will go on and rag on women for doing all these things. It’s infuriating.

Longevity of a series is also something these idiots ignore. Seriously, look at Katekyo Hitman Reborn. The manga ended in 2012 and the creator is working on a different series. Katekyo Hitman Reborn still gets regular merch releases. This is a series that ended over a decade ago and still has an incredibly dedicated fanbase of, I wonder who, that regularly spends enough money to keep it consistent. You cannot look me in the eyes and tell me that series is supported mainly by men. I do not care how hard Amano Akira tried to alienate her female fans with her treatment of the female characters you know exactly whos spending the money based on who is constantly getting merch (minus the titular character, because of course he has to be there.)

Honestly I don’t give a damn that fandom can often be absolute insanity; you get a group of people together and it’s always going to be a shitshow, that isn’t unique to fandom, people just like to pretend it is because as always, there’s an undercurrent of misogyny because people know women carry that shit but they only want to acknowledge it when they can use it to criticize them.

I love that she came for the JJK fandom as well. I’ve been following the series because honestly it is really fucking funny because it is the epitome of shounen tropes. The author literally baked them into the world. Explaining your abilities to the opponent makes them stronger. So this entire series you get giant pages of just white with text explaining every little fucking thing like theres a narrator standing over your shoulder making sure you can’t possibly miss anything on the first read. Fuck dude, I don’t mind exorbitant amounts of text in my manga, but you cannot be serious in pretending that is good writing. There’s a deus ex machina that every character can pull out of their ass called a binding vow. Black flash also falls into this category.

Hell, the latest arc has literally just been flashback after flashback playing during the battle of the characters forming a bunch of plans in preparation for the fight we currently are following. This is genuinely one of my most hated tropes. The characters just get off screen power ups that then get handwaved as “well we showed you the flashback right?” there is NO anticipation, any excitement you feel for the battle is purely manufactured rather than genuine. It’s not “I can’t wait to see how the growth I followed of these characters affects the battle” it’s “wow, what cool ability will they pull out of their ass next?” I hate it I loathe it and it’s even worse with emotional moments. Why couldn’t you write this into the story in the first place? Why are you giving it to me in a shitty flashback?

Maybe I didn’t explain it well enough because I launched into a rant. The reason I hated it so much is because it forced the reader to be an observer rather than an active participant in the manga. Everything is spoonfed to you. You don’t need to reread the chapters over and over to put together the pieces on how, where, and why each action took place, the author does that for you. You don’t see everything from a new perspective when you read it a second time, catching lots of things you may have missed because you’re not allowed to miss anything the author deems important.

I enjoy this manga. There is good things about it. But it is nowhere near the god manga (“kamige” would be the term if it was a visual novel; I don’t know a manga equivalent) men like to pretend it is. It genuinely seems like they think everything being explained every page is good writing.

Based and succinct.

Anyway, you shouldn’t restrict yourself from experiencing specific genres because they’re for “the lessers” because that’s actually fucking cringe and maybe you should touch a Josei manga, or even a Shoujo manga. Maybe it’ll open your eyes and you’ll realize, hey, women’s media is actually- oh who the fuck am I kidding just pull the trigger.

[a-very-tired-raven]

OKAY, FINALLY, THE MOMENT YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!! Welcome, my Grills, Dills, and Nonbinary Eels, to my pride art event!

This is how its all gonna go down! Im going to be doing a pride drawing, of my Oc Ameryllis. Due to some of you wanting to help out in some way, I'll be accepting your OWN drawings of him.

This will go up untill the 18th, which gives you all about a week to submit them.

All references I have of Ameryllis will be posted below, along with text descriptions because my handwriting is shit lmao. You do NOT have to participate if you dont want to.

Also, drawing your own ocs with him is welcome! I dont care what your drawings are, as long as they involve my fruity child. Feel free to ask any questions if needed!!! Also, buckle up, this is a long post. Alrighty *cracks fingers one at a time* Here we go!

A small description of Ameryllis to help get into his character: He was orginally my dolortale metta. Hes long since became his own character(though i may still use him as his orginal role), and i have unfortunately lost his metta design.

Anywho, Ameryllis represents the stage of acceptance in the stages of grief, hence the flowers hes named after. He has a GREAT love for theater, and uses this to help the undergound cope. He might seem stuck up and arrogant at glance, but this isnt the case. Though its incredibly hard to crack open his shell and see the real him. At first, hes a little cold, and hardly ever smiles, this making him hard to read as his emotions are very subtle, though his smug and dramatic demeanor shines through anyhow. Once you get to know him better, you'll find him showing that ever so slight smile more often, and youll see that hes really a total sweetheart, even if he has trouble showing it.( TSUNDERE). Even so hes very much a bitch, one that takes pride in how he dresses, and knows how to appreciate himself. ENOUGH OF THAT, BACK TO THE REFFS!!!!

Description: a large drawing of Ameryllis. There are notes above and beside. The notes are:

•The shorter hair on his left has a splityed part, resembling a triangle or curve.

• Permanent blush across Cheeks and Nose.

• Nose has slight darker color/highlight

• Freckles go across face, and above left brow, and go down the neck in a tight line before spreading a little.

• Cross earring.

Description: A large group of Ameryllis drawings, in the middle is an Outfit description labled 'Fit Check!' Notes surrounding these clothes follow:

• An arrow pointing to a yellow undershirt. The only thing visible when the shirt is worn are the classic puffy sleeves.

• An arrow pointing at a pair of black dress pants, with pockets in the back. To the right id an arrow pointing at a black hair tie.

• The unmarked clothing consists of a back tie/bow, a black cross earring, and a purple vest.

Description 1: Four upclose pictures of Ameryllis sketches. The first features Ameryllis tilting his head in a sly manner, with a grin, showing off a new look, which involves his hair somehow being even more curly then usual. Hes also replying to somehow not shown, saying "What else can I say? I like it~"

Description 2: The second sketch consists of Ameryllis saying his lines on stage, prefroming one of his plays or musicals. While his lines are blurred, his hair is tied for once.

Description 3: A drawing of Ameryllis. His facial expression has him looking in some sort of frustration. Nothing else is shown, so its not clear on if hes pissed at someone, or just done with everything. His hair is clipped into some sort of bun, with some hair hanging lose.

Description 4: A drawing of Ameryllis making a wry comment in mockery to someone not shown. The comment happens to be "Thats just too bad~". He has a pouty expression, seeming to be taunting someone.

Description: A Chibi drawing of Ameryllis.

Description: Two drawings of Ameryllis. The first features said character portraying an unapologetic manner, despite both shrugging and his words. His usual orange eye, is now red in an artistic choice, trying to convay that whoever he was speaking to is looking at someone dangerous. He has a sly grin while saying 'Opps~' which is implying he did something to someone in a ruthless manner.

The second drawing features a side profile of Ameryllis.

(1/2) I will reblog this in just a moment with a couple more drawings, along with the picrew i made his design in so you have a color pallet.

[gale-gentlepenguin]

Gale Reviews: Spider-man : Across the Spiderverse

thanks @knightsweeties for drawing my icon's spidersona

So I am WAY behind on movies I should have been watching and Finally cleared my schedule enough to watch this movie

So I think I will break it down into the following. As a fan of into the spider-verse, my expectations for this film are a lot higher than most movies. Here's how I am breaking it down.

Animation

Plot

The Characters

The Lesson

Does it live up to the hype

Final Thoughts

____________________________________________________________

Animation

Across the Spiderverse is an animation marvel.

I wouldnt call it beautiful, because that is such a mundane term. It is artistically masterful. It even goes beyond what it had done in the previous film.

The way the film has each universe has its own art, color and style that transfers to each character. The level of detail is beautiful. The way colors are used in Gwen's universe. How Hobie is never looking consistent in any shot he is in because in his own words "He hates consistency" Its incredible.

The animation is the best part of the movie. If the animation is a cut above the rest and it is the best I have every seen in a CGI film.

10/10 (And that is a hard 10)

Plot

The film takes place a year and 4 months after the events of Into the spiderverse. There is a group of inter dimensional spider people that go around to fight anomalies and ensure the "Canon" is maintained.

Miles aka Spiderman is just trying to get a hang of his life as Spider man, his parents are worried about his future and now he has a new villain, the Spot. The Spot is obsessed with becoming Miles/Spiderman's nemesis and is hopping universes to increase his power.

Miles ends up in trouble with the interdimensional spider people and their leader, Miguel o'hara. And it culminates in the Spot becoming a massive threat to the multiverse, Miles being chased down by the spider people because he is an anomoly and him ending up in a dimension from where the Spider that bit him came from. A world where there is no spider man.

Now there is SO much to cover and this movie is a 2 hour and 20 minutes and it is only PART 1!

Now there are also a bunch of other story lines like with Gwen and her dad, Peter B parker becoming a father and The Spot figuring out his powers. But that is only the beginning.

Now the way the movie takes its time to set things up is fine... but it also feels like there are some things that could have been cut. It feels so long. The movie does do a good job to ensure it never feels boring, but at the same time it feels cluttered and empty in random intervals.

The first part does leave me excited for part 2, but I also feel like I have a lot of movie to process already and I am not in a rush to see part 2.

I think the previous film did a better job maintaining the hype and pacing, while also giving so much development.

Overall 8/10

_____________________________________________________________

The Characters

Miles Morales: Miles is as great as he was in the first film. You sympathize with his situation, he never comes off as annoying or jerkish because the movie does a good job in making sure you understand his perspective. Even when he is arguing with his parents, you know he wants to tell them but all the advice he has been given is NOT to. The problem with Miles though is that his problem is basically the same as the first one, people keep telling him what he is or needs to be and he has to find his own way and rise up. It feels a bit repetitive. But that being said it is a twist on it because with the situation we as the audience have to figure out if Miles is in the right or not.

Spider-Gwen: Gwen gets more development here, including the focus on her dynamic with her father. The strain that occured when he found out that his daughter was the vigilante that he believed killed his daughter's best friend. Its a whole can of worms as Gwen is basically dimension hoping to avoid dealing with that. We also see how she and miles grow closer ONLY to seperate as he learned the truth on why she never visited and why he is an anomoly. Gwen does manage to make up with her dad and she has a new mission, saving Miles. She is in her own way just as much of a main character in this as Miles, which is great for her as it allows us to explore her character more. Her character is one of the best.

The Spot: When it comes to pathetic villains that grow into massive threats, you can say I have a soft SPOT for them. I like the backstory and how absurdly dumb it is but how it makes sense. The spot is growing into his own and a twisted version of miles, like he had to deal with in the first movie. Coming into his own but lacking control only to grow exponentially as he grew in confidence. The spot now has a mission, be the true nemesis of Miles whether he wants it or not, and he is willing to rip apart the multiverse to do it.

Miguel O'Hara: The hard ass future spiderman that is obsessed with making sure no other universe collapse. He is fervent in his belief that Canon can not be broken and any and all threats to the spiderverse need to be dealt with. He is also a foil to Miles because he is a bigger, serious and seemingly more competent version of him. Miles' own friends take this guy's side over his, and it is a great point of tension. Personally, I think he is wrong with his takes and while the movie tries to show him as right, it fails to take into account how inaccurate it is by ignoring the times things DIDNT break. If Canon was so definitive, than Miles universe would have collapsed when his world's spiderman died. Regardless I do like the character.

The Spiders: The other spider people were great. Seeing Peter b parker, and Spider byte were some of my personal favorites. Spider woman was great... but it bothered me that a PREGNANT WOMAN was doing all this crazy dangerous stuff. I dont care if she is a spider person that is dangerous and could cause a TON of complications. WHY DID NO ONE POINT OUT THE DANGER TO HER? Rant done, I did enjoy all the jokes that were made and most of the spiders were endearing and fun to see. (Lego spider man is the best one confirmed by Miguel)

Overall solid 9/10. While Gwen got an upgrade and Miguel was a welcome antagonist I think there were a LOT more characters here and it cost some of them development. But despite that it is still good.

______________________________________________________________

The Lesson

Its basically a coming of age story that life is unpredictable and that people can advise you but you are the only person that can decide how you write your story. That is similar to Miles story in the first one and it could be argued that this is just an expansion on that. Or it can be said that the first lesson was to rise to the occasion and never fear failure while this is to push forward and decide whats right for you.

Overall its done well if a bit of a rehash.

9/10

__________________________________________________________

Does it live up to the Hype?

Yes. 100% if you liked the first one you will love the second one. But I can also see the argument that the first movie was great as a stand alone, and with this being part one it now becomes dependent on how the second part delivers, that is the problem with movies in Parts. I do think it will deliver, so I am not worried on that end. So yes, it lives up to the hype.

_____________________________________________________________

Final thoughts

Across the Spiderverse brings a new redefinition of animation as we know it, it is a solid plot and it has a lot of hype and build up going into the next part. I am glad I waited before watching as it allows me not to get sucked into people's opinions and I can say I enjoy it without just agreeing with the crowd.

solid 10/10 for me. It is one of the best Animated movies I have ever seen and I cant wait for part 2.

Also what is with spider people and child endangerment? Spider woman and peter B parker. I got my EYE on you

TLDR: Its an INCREDIBLE movie, its long and it lives up to the hype.

[alfgifu]

Fic analysis 44. Until Love Stops Screaming and 45. Your darkness mine

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/53293495/chapters/134870812 and https://archiveofourown.org/works/53309683 

Word count: 108,048 (16,289 mine) and 2,790 (all mine)

Chapters: 43 (5 mine) and 1 (all mine)

First posted: 27th January 2024 and 26th January 2024

Last chapter up: 27th January 2024 and 26th January 2024

Summary: 

Kip had never been this reserved for me. Nervous and uncertain, yes, but not reserved. He was still mine, and I needed him to remember that. “What have you to say for yourself?” He hesitated, and I gave him the time. If he was going to resist the pull of the leash, then I was willing to draw this out as long as necessary to understand why. “Your Radiancy,” he said, “I have come to beg a boon of you.” He stopped there, waiting. I was frozen, trapped behind you, who held yourself in perfect stillness. The creeping uncertainty was coiling in the pit of my stomach, and I needed you to contain it. When I didn’t answer, he continued. “Your Radiancy, I have come to ask you to remove my collar, and release me from your service.” --- The long journey home after the Fall gave Kip time to think about the nature of his relationship with his Radiancy, but when he returned to Solaara to ask for his freedom, his Radiancy was not enthusiastic about letting him go. With Kip only partially released from his Radiancy’s service, both he and the Emperor must come to grips with what has happened, and find a way to live with it.

And

"Hit me again," Kip snarled, "Like you want to and I want you too." Conju hit him again. Side scene taking place during Chapter 6 of mantrasong's amazing Until Love Stops Screaming.

How and why this came about

The first thing to say about Until Love Stops Screaming is that it’s Mantrasong’s fic and not mine. I was commissioned to contribute some specific scenes and I enjoyed writing them very much and certainly added some of my own ideas as I went, but I was writing to someone else’s outline and steer throughout.

My scenes eventually made up five of forty three chapters of the main fic, plus one stand-alone background chapter that was kept apart because it included a short and nasty bit of noncon that would have required the whole story to have an archive warning that didn’t fit the rest of the fic. That separate chapter was published to be revealed at the same time as Your darkness mine.

ULSS began in the autumn of 2023 and Mantrasong worked fast. It was, in many ways, the cap and culmination of everything we had been doing with evil!household. It asks the opposite question from the one we started with - if One final gift and Falling are about what might lead to characters doing terrible things, ULSS asks: is it possible to recover from here?

Not, please note, to recover in a way that minimised or normalised any of the harm that was inflicted. What Mantrasong achieved with this amazing story was to show the characters working through the trauma that they had inflicted upon themselves and each other, or in Kip’s case had had inflicted on them, and figuring out how to move forward. This isn’t a happy story, as such. It’s hard all the way through, shot through with loss. But it does, finally, find a note of grace.

After months of weekly prompt challenges on the HOTE Support Group server, January consisted of a monthly challenge to write or finish a longfic. Mantrasong used this as a target deadline to wrap up ULSS and dropped the entire fic on the fandom on the day that challenge was revealed, to general and deserved acclaim.

A final note of context here is that I had left the HSG server at the start of 2024 as I had been finding it an increasingly stressful place to hang out (much as I love the people and a great deal of what goes on there). 

This feels like an important thing to explain, since I can’t help referring to it here and there in the context of my fic history and don’t want it to sound worse than it was. There was no specific trigger, apart from a silly bit of mistimed posting which wouldn’t have bothered me on any other day but just happened to be the thing that made me stop and consider. Once I thought about it, I realised that being in that online space was making me anxious in ways that were beginning to have an impact on my personal life/family/wellbeing.

I thought at first that I might rejoin in one month, or in three, or after I finished the novel that I intended to write in 2024. Or possibly once some server changes discussed in the autumn of 2023 were put through, or after there was any concrete update on whether they would be put through or not.

This was a big root of the stress for me - there was uncertainty about what was going to happen, and there seemed to be no safe way to ask about it or repeat an offer to help without making things worse for the mods, whom I liked and who were already feeling overstretched and had asked for space. 

By the time I left it was beginning to seem that working through the issues raised and deciding what (if anything) to do about them wasn’t a priority compared to other things the server does, such as organising fun events for the community. From occasional conversations with folk who are still members I don’t think more than a handful of the proposed changes have been made, nor have the results of the server survey that was carried out been shared, nor has there been clarity on any plans to do anything more with it.

I don’t think this is where the mods intended to end up at all. To be honest, I’m not sure it’s entirely visible to them how hard it is for people outside the inner circle to figure out what’s going on, and how difficult it is to know who it’s okay to ask about what. Which to some extent is true of all online communities, everywhere.

It feels important to be clear that it was that uncertainty and lack of communication that made the server such a stressful place to be, rather than the specific changes being made or not made. Thirty five years managing undiagnosed autism has left me with a strong dislike of not knowing where I stand in social situations, particularly when it’s exacerbated by discouragement from asking questions.

I suspect this anxiety hits me much harder than it does most people. In other words it was, as they say, a me thing.

The reason this is relevant for this analysis is that it meant that I wasn’t around to engage with how the fics were shared on the server. And, in my absence, Your darkness mine was shared and promoted separately from the main ULSS fic, plugged as a bonus extra in a gap between long fics being revealed over the course of that week. This happened without my knowledge, and when I found out - far too late - I was horrified.

Your darkness mine is one of the nastiest things I’ve written; it’s certainly the nastiest thing I’ve published on AO3. It was always intended to be read in the context of the whole of ULSS, never to be seen as a bonus thing, and if I had shared a link to it separately I would have added warnings equivalent to those I put in place on Cross your heart. I absolutely would not have suggested that anybody see it as a fun extra. 

I sincerely hope that nobody was drawn into clicking on it by accident; I hope that nobody thought worse of me because of that happening.

The person who shared it as a bonus chapter meant incredibly well but hadn’t read the fic themselves because of the archive warning. They put a clarification on the server once I explained how sick I felt about it, but I’m not sure it made sense to them why I was so upset.

I recognise that other people might not feel so strongly about these things and this might seem disproportionate, but it really shook me up. The episode definitely put paid to the original idea I had of rejoining that server after a short break. I just didn’t have it in me, in the context of a space that no longer felt safe due to the lack of communication, no matter how lovely and well-intentioned the people there were.

What worked and what didn’t

Writing for someone else’s story was a new and interesting challenge. Mantrasong was kindly open with the commission and generous about leaving me to ad lib - I wrote it as livefic, largely, which also meant I could get comments as I went and tweak to ensure my bits tied into the themes and structure of the fic as a whole.

My parts were three smut scenes: Conju and Cliopher (this was Your darkness mine) and then two very different moments for Kip and his Radiancy. They needed to balance and contrast with each other and show how Kip was growing, changing, recovering his agency and winning his freedom against his Radiancy’s various attempts to deny what was happening and find some way to draw him back. That gave me a chance to really dig into what each encounter said about the characters and the entire experience of evil!household.

What I learned from writing it

I had been under the impression that the challenge fics would all be revealed at once, or else that at least Your darkness mine would be revealed at the same time as ULSS without a separate link, so that readers would primarily encounter it as an optional extra chapter linked in the appropriate place in the longer fic. 

I definitely learned a lesson about contributing fic to a collection and what that means in terms of ceding control to reveal and represent it.

I should have done more to ask about the plans for the collection, and to stress how strongly I felt about how Your darkness mine was handled. Frankly, given what happened, I regret posting the fic at all.

That aside I really enjoyed this collaboration and ULSS is one of the few fics in the fandom that I have come back to re-read time and again. It really is such a clever, compassionate, and powerful story and I’m proud to have contributed to it.